I think for a long time, we’ve been programmed to focus on loving others with an emphasis on how we can serve and honour our partners. This means when we become incapable of doing that we interpret as love, we decide to end the relationship.

One of the things I dedicate time to understand during our premarital counselling program with couples is their motives. You know the part of your decision- making that no one can see or access. The part of who you are that is underpinned by your values and principles, the part you can cover up without a trace and the part of who you are that no one can see unless you make a conscious decision to reveal. I like to call it your true self. Our motives will never have to face judgement or the need to be vulnerable if not shared and yet have the power to influence your relationship negatively if not addressed. 

For what person knows the thoughts and motives of a man except the man’s spirit within him? I Corinthians 2: 11 AMP

So just before you continue, I am challenging you today to answer this question if you have never had the chance to….why did you get married to your spouse? For some people this question is accompanied by feelings of shame, regret, or anxiety and for some others; a rather positive reminder of their partners love for them. For those in the former, it is important to let you know that the idea is never to shame you but to acknowledge your motives at the time of making one of the most important decisions in your life. It is imperative to acknowledge what influenced your decision to marry your spouse. If it was because you got pregnant or that you turned 30 and had no suitors or that you wanted the return from your years of investment…facing this truth is a good start towards improving the health of your relationship.  When I say the success of your relationship starts with you, it is very tempting to think that I mean it starts with being the change you want to see to a spouse who is refusing to see their own flaws or refusing to be held accountable. Our minds can easily wonder about a typical one sided romantic relationship where the spouse gets away with being mediocre and irresponsible while the other cleans their tears and offers their best service in the relationship. Though there’s room for showing up consistently as your best self irrespective of how others treat you, this conversation aims to look at the depths of who you are and to address your mindset at the start of the relationship.

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You see, if your motives for getting married wasn’t rooted in the purpose for marriage, it means you still have the responsibility to understand Gods purpose for marriage in order to align your marriage to it. This is considered redeeming the time in your marriage. You need to go back first as an individual to align your motive for getting married with Gods purpose. When the Bible says many are the plans in a man’s heart but Gods purpose prevails, this is what it means. That you may have decided to get married based on your fear of ageing or of never finding anyone else and that doesn’t change the purpose for marriage. 

Facing your motives in a safe and non judgmental space will help really track how far your own plans were from Gods purpose. It gives you a sense of how far you need to go. Before two become one, it starts with one so even if one is healthy and the other is unhealthy, the 2 become an unhealthy couple. It may sound harsh but think of this as making an omelette using 2 eggs and you notice 1 egg is rotten, will you go ahead and add that egg? Ofcourse no human is rotten but some can have toxic traits that need looking at  and so it takes each one going back to honestly look at themselves and making a conscious decision to start right (that is according to Gods divine plan for marriage) no matter the stage of the relationship in order to work towards becoming whole and healthy.