Hey guys, 

I‘m back! A little later than I intended but let’s get into it real quick.

If you missed Part 1 of this conversation, go back, have a read and then make your way back here as we navigate what you didn’t know about the marriage vow.

Are you enjoying the posts so far? Then go ahead and share with anyone you know will find it useful or leave a comment…..words of affirmation is my love language.

When it comes to the unknown areas of marriage, there are two things to consider. The first being unknown seasons that you will encounter as a couple and then unknown character traits and behaviours that your spouse will display. For example, if you never lived with your partner before marriage, then it’s possible you didn’t know that they always leave the toilet seat up after using it or that they want the lights off from a particular time at night. I know you may be thinking these things seem trivial and unimportant but remember it’s the little foxes that destroy the vineyard. So is it even possible to talk about everything there is to know about your partner? Absolutely not! Learning about each other is a never ending class we get to take in marriage.

Building intimacy in the unknown

Learning a new thing about your spouse is an opportunity to build intimacy. Let’s use our example about the couple experiencing financial difficulty in marriage. It is in this potentially unexpected season that you will know if your partner has the self control to follow a budget or if they even have the courage to face this overwhelming season. Nothing reveals a person more than being in unexpected situations and the temptation to be disgusted, angry or even judgmental is one that we all come face to face with at some point. Imagine the woman you thought was health conscious now starts stress eating after becoming a mum, the man you thought was your friend now refuses to open up about the loss and grief he is feeling after you both experience a miscarriage. These are challenging seasons and yet have the potential to be extremely beautiful if we are willing to build connections even in those dark moments. The first step to building intimacy in the unknown is to step into the shoes of your partner. If you knew he felt inadequate as a father, would you be more encouraging with your words? If you knew she was pretending to have it all under control, would you create opportunities for her to rest? You know that popular phrase we have seen in recent years; “Be kind, you never know what someone is going through”. Have you thought of extending it to your spouse? Focusing on the weaknesses of your spouse has the potential to inhibit intimacy by making us so familiar with their shortcomings that we no longer see their humanity. Remember love is KIND.

If you are in a place in your relationship where you are learning new “unpleasant” things about your spouse, don’t be so quick to blame yourself for “missing” it, spending time lamenting on the past rarely changes the situation. Below are three things you should focus on.

Acknowledge the Information

The shock that can come with finding out a negative attribute about that amazing human can often cause us to pretend it doesn’t exist. Sometimes living in denial is an easier route, for most it means avoiding difficult conversations by sweeping it under the carpet. The truth however is the longer you ignore it, the bigger it gets, the deeper the bitterness and the more you delay solutions. Acknowledging doesn’t always mean having a conversation, sometimes it means identifying the information and being specific about what it means to you. So with the example we looked at earlier, if your spouse is struggling to follow a budget in a season of financial difficulty, sitting with yourself and recognising that the big restaurant bill made you think of your partner as irresponsible which made you feel angry towards him/her is what acknowledging the information looks like. One way of doing this is by journaling to help you capture your thoughts and feelings in action. This encourages us to reflect on our own responses, reactions and really helps us to become more self aware by highlighting our own triggers and potential unknown behaviours.

Pray

What do we do with the information? Talk to God first. I know too well about the temptation to pull an Adam and complain to God about the partner He gave you. I get it! You are angry so go ahead and let it all out but make sure before you leave His presence you talk to Him about how you are feeling, what unhelpful behaviours those feelings could lead to and ask Him to alter them. Whoa! 

I’m glad you are still reading. We often forget about the third person in our marriages as believers and we have relegated Him to the role of a silent partner. If The Holy Spirit is really our teacher, then we have to trust Him to work on our hearts to respond in a way that protects our marriages by listening to the one who knows our partners, their upbringing, their struggles and still loves them unconditionally.

Communicate with each other 

This is where things could get tricky. 

I can already hear my girls in the back shouting “Princess, he doesn’t like to talk” and I will be the first to admit it can be so frustrating and this specific point may not even change anything but hear me out. Try this! Try having the conversation with a genuine desire to get insight. This will help make your conversation less about words. If 93% of communication is nonverbal then we need to focus on maximising this by aligning our tone, attitude, facial expressions and delivery to becoming more empathetic and less critical. Remember the scripture from Proverbs 18….getting insight is to get an accurate understanding of what information you’ve acknowledged. This is extremely important because going back to our example on overspending, it is very easy to conclude our own meaning behind actions in order to understand; doing this doesn’t yield positive results. So you can conclude that your spouse is overspending to boost their confidence whereas it could be a lack of financial skills because they grew u[ with a silver spoon.

Accept the insight

Acceptance is really making peace with the insight you’ve received. The idea here is not to play “Judge Judy” but to accept that this is who they can be in situations like this and to focus on moving forward. If your spouse is willing to do better, accepting the insight could mean discussing ways to avoid similar occurrences. So back to our example this could mean less social activities, putting in place stricter controls on banking facilities, being accountable to one another etc. So let’s now address the elephant in the room, what if you get nothing? What if the conversation ended with no insight and more arguments? Believe it or not, that’s still an insight worth noting. While this may seem abrupt, it’s actually not. To know that we can’t change anyone is to know peace. Calm down! I am not asking you to accept things the way they are, I am asking you to understand that you can’t change anyone. For you, the journey may look a little different from others and this could range from changing your current financial setups and control to protect the finances of your family to getting a financial professional to give you some options and even going to therapy to explore options where your marriage is concerned.

The truth is, navigating the unknown can be dark and scary if you have a spouse that is unwilling to do it with you. The point at which our marriage goes down the slippery slope is not when we pack our bags and leave; far from that. It is when we refuse to confront those insecurities, unhelpful behaviours, negative cycles and leave our partners standing alone in the dark, waiting for someone to hold their hands pointing at the light that they say is at the end of the tunnel. 

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

I truly pray this helps someone.