Hi guys! It’s your favourite relationship guru here again doing what she loves and today I wanted to share something a little more practical for anyone dating, preparing or looking forward to getting married. Wow! In the spirit of being congruent, I have to admit that I tried everything possible not to use the word ‘single’. I don’t know about you but the single status. I feel has lately all of a sudden become synonymous with lonely, desperate, unsuccessful and a lot more than I’m willing to share. It is interesting how as people, our natural reaction is to then avoid using the word rather than owning it and recognising the opportunities and blessings that come with being single.

I can already ‘feel’ the side eye from some of you and NO I am not dismissing your desire for marriage. I just don’t like creating the impression that singles need saving but that’s a story for another day.

The Big Question

One question I get asked a lot by singles is ‘Princess how do you know who the right person is’? I’m actually laughing typing this because I once asked my teacher in Secondary School and her response was the all famous ‘when you meet the one, you will know’. You can appreciate why this statement scares me now because I am married to a man that I had no clue was going to be my husband. As a matter of fact this expectation of knowing from the onset created a fear that was going to cause some stressful moments when we started dating. On the other hand, my husband said he knew right after our first few conversations. He was actually so convinced, he told me if it didn’t happen it would have affected his faith. Whoa!

So let’s get to the point. What am I really saying? Well, I am saying to those who like me don’t want to depend on just a feeling, a dream (because my dreams were giving opposite vibes) and want something practical to really help them…this is for you. To be honest, even if you know from your ‘love at first sight’ experience, this is still for you’.

Why is this important?

Last month, we looked at some of the surprises that come up in marriage and how to navigate them. I constantly stress on the fact that it’s impossible to know everything about your spouse but I also believe it’s imperative to know certain key things about your potential partners before saying I do. I believe you can have a sense of who someone is not just from what they say but also from what they consistently show you.

Before we get into this, you should know that this list has been curated over time based on my own experiences, listening to the stories of others and from my experience as a relationship coach and counsellor. Honestly, 8 is not an exhaustive list but should be helpful in your conversations and observations as you decide who will be a great partner to spend the rest of your life with. Remember the answers to these questions, whether yes or no in themselves aren’t the basis for which we decide on a future partner but  a sober judgement of whether we can commit to a future together based on these answers is what we are looking to do today. For some people this might also mean, it is not the right time and that’s okay too. 

1. Do they love God? 

For a person of faith this should be standard because it is so instrumental to your core values and beliefs that if not addressed from the beginning, it will cause you to have to compromise on the very foundation on which your life should be built on. This could even impact what kind of relationship you will have while dating, it could influence what boundaries you want to have in place and could go on to impact decisions in your marriage. Now, I know there are people who have great marriages with partners from different or no faith and I believe that there will always be exceptions but I also know that for this to work, there will have to be some level of compromise, willingness to live with unmet expectations and a more relaxed attitude to certain critical aspects of your faith. So the idea is not looking at someone who has managed to do it in order to decide if you can but critically analysing your own beliefs, temperaments and commitment to your faith in order to decide. What I am saying is, if you are someone who is not able to compromise or make room for an alternative faith lifestyle, you definitely want to make a decision even before dating. Now, let’s get this straight right from the onset….someone who loves God is not just someone who goes to church and speaks in tongues. I believe we all know that’s not enough. Let this guide you.  

John 14:15: If you love me, you will obey my commandments.

This particular scripture is so helpful because when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment is, He said ‘you have to love the Lord your God with all your heart’. The above verse is giving us a clear picture of what that love looks like and makes no room for speculation.

Loving God is therefore prioritising a relationship that knows what He wants us to do and having a desire to do these things not out of compulsion but as a demonstration of the love we have for Him with the help of the Holy Spirit.

2. Do they love themselves

I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to love others if we first don’t love ourselves. So many of us have been exposed to a low standard of self love that we can’t even begin to imagine the depth of the love we are supposed to show ourselves. Today, self love has been limited to positive affirmations, soft life, protecting your energy and so many things that even though helpful do not necessarily capture the true essence of love. A Lot of what we see today is loving the external parts of who we are while neglecting the inner, most precious parts of ourselves. So we are getting that much needed pedicure but still can’t forgive ourselves for the decision we made 5 years ago. We are protecting ourselves from people we believe are damaged but won’t sit to really reflect on some of our own brokenness. What I have come to realise is, it’s impossible to love ourselves if we do not know who we are. So really paying attention to that person’s level of self awareness is key to knowing if they love themselves. Are they willing to confront who they really are or are they happy to pretend and just keep living in a bubble? Do they take feedback from others with the intention to critically analyse and alter behaviours or do they keep pretending it’s all in your head? Do they at least know and acknowledge their flaws and weaknesses? A desire to improve and develop yourself is a demonstration of self love. 

Mathew 22: 39: “And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself”

3. What is their perception of partnership? 

If you are going to decide to spend the rest of your life with someone, you better be sure you know what living life together means to them. Do they believe marriage is giving 50% of themselves with an expectation to get the other 50% from their spouse? Are they of the mindset that you can leave when things get tough? Is there a responsibility on their spouse to make them happy? Are they committed to showing up and putting in the effort to support, encourage and become a companion? Do they believe in my money and your money? Will you be solely responsible for looking after the home while they work or will you come together as a team to manage these areas?

4. Are they adaptable enough to navigate different seasons?

An expectation in marriage we all need to have is CHANGE! Getting married in itself involves changing from being independent to becoming interdependent. What this means is your decisions no longer affect just you, actually your habits and behaviours can affect/influence your spouse. Just for a moment imagine being married to someone who is so set in their ways, refuses to see that there are different ways to get to the same destination and wants to control everything? I know it sounds extreme but this is where we sometimes find ourselves, as people we have the natural tendency to look out for our own interests. What being married does is, it forces you to place the interests of someone else before you not in an unhealthy way but in a way that helps you to show empathy. Some of the ways that this manifests are; making little room for mistakes, an obsession with controlling the outcomes, a strong desire to make your spouse more like you, focusing on their flaws and literally refusing to become the version of you that is required in a particular season. 

5. Are they thoughtful?

Whoosh! Honestly this is something that I didn’t place too much value on before I became a mother. My husband is extremely thoughtful but I didn’t necessarily put this at the forefront of things to look for when choosing him. I can only appreciate this now when he decides to bulk cook over the weekend so that we can manage the daily meals a little better or when he bought me the domain name for this website even before I decided on getting one. Thoughtfulness is something that requires intentionality. It really involves studying your spouse, observing their routines, understanding their needs and deciding to meet them ahead of time. That’s definitely not something that happens overnight but I remember when my husband showed up to my office while we were dating to pick me up because I had a bad day and he wanted to cheer me up. The signs will be there, keep an eye out.

6. Am I happy to submit them? Am I able to lovingly lead them?

I don’t think this particular one needs an explanation. If the recipe for a successful marriage by God’s standard is based on love and submission then we have to ask the difficult questions.

7. Are we friends?

Marriage is primarily for companionship. We always have to be mindful of the simple fact that friendships in marriage must be nurtured and strengthened often. Having someone you can laugh with, do things you both enjoy, share your dreams and goals with, be vulnerable with helps to build the connection on which our marriages thrive on. The seasons where friendship is absent can be challenging without intervention. While you can always build on your friendship in marriage, it is good to start working at it before marriage.

8.Do they prioritise growth?

I left this point for last because this is a reminder that your partner does not have to tick all these boxes at the same time before you can entertain the idea of a life together but seeing the progress they make especially in the areas they hope to work on is what makes the difference. Do they embrace growth? Do they prioritise working on themselves? What is their mindset on lack vs abundance? Are they happy to invest the time to develop important skills like listening, empathy etc? 

I think it’s really important to know we are all a work in progress but having these questions in mind and being able in sober judgement to know how far or close our partners are to them will really help us determine whether it is the right time or right person for marriage.