I thought hard and long about this title. Princess really? Fight well? Couldn’t you use “healthy disagreements” “conflict resolution”? Lol

I know it sounds dramatic but the truth is sometimes the disagreement feels exactly like that; A FIGHT! Like can we be real real for a second? One thing I don’t want to do is to keep adding to the list of the unknown realities in marriage. The lack of transparency on how common conflicts are in relationships is really the reason why most people start to doubt their decision to get married in the first place. From perfect picture Instagram profiles to a lack of conversation around disagreements, I can appreciate why most newlyweds struggle with fighting well.

Conflict is inevitable

This is actually a public service announcement. When you decide to get into a relationship, you have to remember that you are not just marrying the 32 year old fun, beautiful, feminist, dog loving woman you met at the pub; you are actually marrying the different phases she has been through over the last 32 years, her experiences, her childhood, her lifestyle, her temperaments etc. The same goes for the man you decide to marry. For those in new relationships, this means being frequently exposed to an unknown part of who they are. This is why most people feel that the first 2 years of marriage are the hardest. The differences in personalities move from trivial things like where to go on a date to more serious issues like how you resolve conflict. Our natural reaction to conflict is usually rooted in selfishness and this is why it is often inevitable. Whether the selfishness is derived from the refusal to appreciate a different perspective, the inability to be considerate of your partner’s way of doing things or a failure to accept each other’s differences, when we sit to reflect we are able to see undertones of our self seeking ways. Take a moment and pause, will you agree that there was a focus on self in your last argument? I can never forget in our second year of marriage when my husband said to me, I hope you realise that your way of doing things IS NOT the only way. This statement has literally stayed with me ever since. Like why is your way of squeezing the toothpaste better? If the baby is having a safe bath at the end of the day, why do you feel your technique is the better option?

Long term/Short term causes

Last year, my husband and I had one of those things you can call a big fight. This was actually on the same day as our first therapy session with a completely new therapist; talk about perfect timing. The start of the session was so awkward because we were ashamed at the fact that we had lost control and quite frankly we were still mad at each other. Now that I think about it, I feel bad for our therapist at the time. Can you imagine all the frowns, irritation, unwillingness to engage etc.

I remember us both being in our feelings and expressing our anger, discontentment and frustration at the situation. It was at this point that our therapist said “ so your biggest disagreement in your marriage was over a sink?” It felt like a slap in the face, I couldn’t even say it out loud because it was embarrassing. How could a conversation about a sink trigger such strong negative emotions? Was this really about the sink? By the end of the session, we realised how my husband had previously avoided sharing his true feelings to maintain “peace” and how I felt disregarded because I didn’t seem to have much knowledge about sinks. These unaddressed emotions showed up at a time that seemed insignificant because they were not dealt with and as a result blew everything out of proportion. I am sure we are not the only couple who have experienced this, the moment you decide not to speak up because confrontation makes you uncomfortable or that hurt you left unattended because you couldn’t accept that someone who loves you hurt you could come up at you at any time, especially when you least expect it. Do something about it sooner than later.

Why is this important?

When we fail to prioritize having healthy disagreements in our marriages, we are making room for a struggling marriage. The thought of divorce doesn’t just jump at us, it actually builds up over time. The more we refuse to communicate our true feelings, the more we  spend time away from home, the more we draw invisible lines that create a separate life. So how can we resolve issues in a way that is healthy and protects our marriages?

Appreciate the beauty in differences

To start this process, you first have to know where exactly the difference exists. A couple may value hard work but it’s their approach to rest that highlights their differences. A couple may want to have children but it’s the timing of it that highlights their differences. Trying to change your partner is a recipe for disaster because that could mean losing out on what value their approach or perception could add to your marriage. Recognising that difference is good will help you become less selfish and align your motivations to benefit your relationship. For example if two people are predominantly spenders, that could mean saving money could easily become a myth and if two people are predominantly savers, that could mean spending money to meet their needs may never happen.Having a spender and a saver could however mean being able to save for unforeseen circumstances and also being able to buy therapy sessions….see what I did there? lol

Focus on the issue, not the person

If my husband and I had limited the conversation to our commercial kitchen, I am sure we would not have made some hurtful comments. When we start to extend the issue at hand to how we feel about our spouses, there’s a potential for things to go sour. 

Visualise the thing that is causing the conflict, write it on a paper if you have to and mentally separate your spouse from it. So if you find that your spouse going straight to bed after dinner is causing you to have these negative feelings towards him, think about how you will communicate that message. So instead of saying `”You always leave me to deal with the cleaning at night”, you could say “It makes me feel unsupported when you leave to go straight to bed after meals”. This helps you to share your thoughts on the issue from your lens and doesn’t come across as accusatory. Communicate in turns with the intention to understand and empathise not to respond and defend yourselves.

Remember your partner’s positive qualities

Look, I know it sounds like I’m asking for the impossible here but conflict has a way of changing the way we see people in a short space of time. We can’t trust our emotions, they help us recognise there’s an issue that needs our attention but they are terrible masters and we should never allow them to tell us what to do. Conflict highlights the negative attributes of our spouses and so when this happens often, we end up becoming familiar with the negative. Familiarity breeds contempt because the start of most relationships focus on what we like about people and so the more we get exposed to those things that we don’t like or the things no one feels comfortable enough to share in the early stages, the more we get exposed to their humanity which makes it less romantic. Reminding ourselves of those positive traits helps keep the balance. So even though my husband leaves a messy kitchen after bulk cooking, reminding myself of how manageable the week gets because of his input with our family meals helps me keep the balance.

Look for a joint solution

Looking for a joint solution sometimes starts with everyone taking a moment to calm down. That calmness to think beyond how we are feeling is really the start to finding an ‘US’ solution. That calmness that allows us to understand the situation beyond just our experiences of it but in a way that embraces the views and perceptions of our spouses. Doing this helps us find a common ground and enables us to look for ways to solve the problem in a way that serves both parties. Start by agreeing on a time to discuss solutions, come up with different options, listen to each other’s views on them and agree which option works for everyone. If it’s impossible to do this, don’t make a decision…sometimes time will allow you to agree on the best way forward. 

I really hope you found these tips helpful. Leave a comment with what stood out most to you and share this with someone who might benefit from it.